my brother died on wednesday.

these past 3 days have lasted a lifetime.

i found out what it really means when your heart hurts. different than when a boy doesn’t like you anymore. different than when your parents get mad at you, different than when your biggest plans get cancelled or someone says the most horrible thing to you imaginable. your heart can break in more way than one, into more pieces than there are stars. 

but i’ve also learned what true comfort is. and how its not found in the sweetest words that have found my ears. its not in a tender hug that pulled me close. not on throwing myself onto the last smell of his body or losing control.

for which of these last when you look into the melting eyes of your mom who longs to hold her boy one last time? when you realize one you shared your secrets with and watched as we grew into adults, will never again walk into your room to tell you his latest battle?

what holds, what is firm, what is real, is sitting at the feet of the Lord. knowing my brother is feeling whole, and finally having the joy that could never be known to him here. and when i look at the faces of my family as we feel a great part of us missing, i can also rejoice that i got to be a part of one of the most wonderful men to have walked the earth. and take comfort in the fact that I will, indeed, see him again 

i found him

finally

this weekend i had a little taste of life with possibly the most amazing person in existence. 

life without them is just not the same. i want it back, and i want it permanent. i am a horribly selfish person and i am afraid to drive them away with pulling them close, but how can i help myself. i am terribly bad at being alone. 

there’s a hole there now that never starts to stop leaving me alone 

so i a going to start working out at a local gym three times a week, starting Monday & 2 of my best friends are doing it with me. i am doing it to get fit, NOT lose weight. if anything i will gain mass. 

tonight mom made dinner and she made me half the proportion she made my dad and brother and i get that they eat more but i was so hungry and she made this comment about ‘helping me out’ since i’ll be going to the gym. like. i fucking am going to lost weight or something. i am so skinny and i  am doing it to get in shape so when i do my missions i wont die and i can actually d some good and i felt so trigger and its been about 2 years and i just really got put into a bad place, mentally and i jst need to get this out ugh. i only weight about 115# btw

Tonight, I forgave Jeremy. Not because what he did was okay, or because he even deserved it. But because I no longer want to carry around a punishment for something I didn’t do; that I don’t deserve.
Because if I am a follower of Christ, and go as far as to claim His name, my heart needs to be saturated in love and a forgiveness that asks my Father to forgive the one crucifying me.

ok paige chill he’s just a dude chill ok

it was about the time i realized i spent at least an hour creeping his photos and thinking about him incessantly and talking late into the night with him and telling him things i dont normally tell people

that i realized i fancy him, quite alot

so i switched back to my old phone because my other one’s touch screen stopped working. and i haven’t used that phone since me & jeremy were together so the first thing i saw was a photo of him and then all these messages about how happy he was he finally found me and how complete we were together and man this just sucks. really really bad.

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