my brother died on wednesday.
these past 3 days have lasted a lifetime.
i found out what it really means when your heart hurts. different than when a boy doesn’t like you anymore. different than when your parents get mad at you, different than when your biggest plans get cancelled or someone says the most horrible thing to you imaginable. your heart can break in more way than one, into more pieces than there are stars.
but i’ve also learned what true comfort is. and how its not found in the sweetest words that have found my ears. its not in a tender hug that pulled me close. not on throwing myself onto the last smell of his body or losing control.
for which of these last when you look into the melting eyes of your mom who longs to hold her boy one last time? when you realize one you shared your secrets with and watched as we grew into adults, will never again walk into your room to tell you his latest battle?
what holds, what is firm, what is real, is sitting at the feet of the Lord. knowing my brother is feeling whole, and finally having the joy that could never be known to him here. and when i look at the faces of my family as we feel a great part of us missing, i can also rejoice that i got to be a part of one of the most wonderful men to have walked the earth. and take comfort in the fact that I will, indeed, see him again